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 I had a friend named Alan. A couple of years ago, he died suddenly due to a congenital heart defect, and when he did, I lost a friend. I lost a champion, a role model, and the world got a little less safe. He used to say to me all the time, "we've forgotten how to listen to each other! We've forgotten how to talk to each other!"

While I always believed that he believed what he was talking about, I couldn't quite tell what he meant. I didn't understand it. Now I do. Save the Canaries is my attempt to share his insight and that of many others. It is to show what it means to really listen and communicate as we're meant to. I know it's not enough, but it's worthwhile and I need your help.

I know that you understand on some level what Alan was talking about, and I know you want that to change. The good news is that we don't have to invent anything new. We just have to understand and practice what we already know. That is, practice a better form of honesty and a more rigorous sense of integrity, to create trust through vulnerability, to truly understand our wants and needs, and listen to those who've gone before us.

Long ago, men used to bring canaries into the coal mine with them. If the canary died, it was time to evacuate. The canaries died so that those men might live. They loved their canaries. For a long time, there have been human canaries among us, warning us to get out of this toxic mine, but instead of listening, we blame them for dying. Where would the coal miners be? If they did that. Where are we now? And what do our canaries have to teach us?

I will tell you what they have to teach us.

I have an idea for at least two books, and I need your support to make them happen. I have a publisher and book one is more than halfway complete. It's called Save the Canaries, and this is my idea. Addiction recovery isn't just something you do after treatment. It's an environment in which we learn how to talk to each other and treat each other in a better way. It's a manner of living that is both more rewarding than and incompatible with addiction. Once I learned about this manner of living, the widespread consequences of its absence became readily apparent to me.

Now, this manner of living isn't specifically created to deal with addiction. Rather, it's things we all should do, but don't because we think we get away with it. But take a look at the state of our planet and our wellbeing. We're not getting away with it. People need to know what this is, how it applies to them, and how it can improve all our lives.

The language needs to be on more lips. The ideas need to be in more heads. And the feelings that come with it need to be in more hearts. In the first book, Save the Canaries, I will use the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as a framework because while everybody knows they exist, few know what they are and fewer still know what they mean.

Having gathered the insights of many others, including some 50 interviews, I will offer interpretations of each step to show how they contain valuable wisdom for all of us, not just alcoholics. The principles and practices apply to work, school, the economy, consumerism, and how we go about our daily lives.

They have the power to help us fend off dangerous narratives and to write better ones that more align with our humanity. The good news is that we don't have to invent anything new. Today, conversations abound about stepping out of the old ways of thinking and being, noticing those sneaky and sticky nuances so that we can live a better way.

We have an opportunity to anchor these new ideas in the ideas of those who've gone before us. Many people around the world are searching for bridges that can help us cross from old ways that no longer serve us into new ways that do, while preserving some of the old ways that continue to serve us. The 12 steps are such a bridge if we can see them for what they are.

The first book, phase one, will contain many ideas and examples for the readers to unpack. It will also contain many prompts and questions directed to the reader for phase two. Perhaps a book or something better. I will invite people to submit their responses, perspectives, experiences, insights, examples, et cetera, and we, by that time, it will require a we, a team will assemble them into a cohesive text.

It really does take a lot of perspectives and different kinds of people to actually see this almost invisible problem. With enough of them, we will finally see the elephant in the room. Besides, you never know whose point of view will really register with you. In many ways, our culture, our way of life, is just like addiction. I will share with you some details, and I'll do this by incorporating my own experiences and insights along with the perspectives of other people, including those I've interviewed personally. It can't just be my point of view. This is a pluralistic problem and requires many perspectives to understand it when many voices are talking about the same big, invisible thing.

There is a much greater chance that at least one of those messages will resonate with you. I cannot deliver this message alone, but I can get you thinking about it differently. Once we see enough of the parts, we can finally see the elephant in the room.

Save the Canaries excerpt -- Dislocation

 DISLOCATION

Dislocation is a very important concept. I learned about it from Bruce Alexander , the researcher behind the now famous Rat Park experiment on addiction.[6] I will first turn to Alexander’s words to introduce it.

Free-market society subjects people to unrelenting pressures towards individualism, competition, and rapid change, dislocating them from social life. People adapt to this dislocation by concocting the best substitutes that they can for a sustaining social, cultural, and spiritual wholeness, and addiction provides this substitute for more and more of us. [4] p.3

Dislocation is the experience of the absence of belonging, identity, meaning, and purpose. [7]

The “opposite” of dislocation is what Alexander calls psychosocial integration, borrowing the term from Erik Erikson. The best short description I can venture of this happy condition is that it is the state of a person who feels free, but still belongs. [7]

Polanyi explained that a free-market society: ... must comprise all elements of industry, including labor, land, and money.... But labor and land are no other than the human beings themselves of which every society consists and the natural surroundings in which it exists. To include them in the market mechanism means to subordinate the substance of society itself to the laws of the market. [4]p. 99

Every society carefully protects its foundational beliefs because they give it stability and meaning. As free-market society becomes globalised, therefore, it carefully obscures the connections between free markets, mass dislocation, and addictive misery because seeing them would undermine its foundational belief in the magnanimity of free markets. [4] p. 336)

 

By contrast, it is not in the least threatening to attribute addictive misery to demonic drugs, neurochemical deficiencies, genetic defects, individual immorality, or original sin, for these attributions do not undermine the foundational beliefs of free-market society. That is probably why there are hundreds of inconclusive theories of addiction within the conventional wisdom, rather than a single useful one. This multitude of theories is the product of an exhaustive search for the underlying cause of addiction everywhere, except where it is.  These theories, colourfully projected on the globalised cave wall by sophisticated communication technologies, protect society from an understanding of addiction that would create unbearable tension. This is blindness. [4] p. 336)

Looking for something everywhere except where it is similar to reasoning from the conclusion.[8] Alcoholics are masterful at this when the conclusion to be avoided is ‘somehow, my drinking is part of the problem.’ Of course, the skills of politicians, pundits, and media magnates in this area are not to be underestimated. Important to note, it is possible to reason away from an undesirable conclusion without consciously naming that conclusion. Such is the case when the alcoholic is pre-denial and genuinely believed that his drinking or related behavior is not problematic. Oh, the web of lies! Somehow we are able to weave it subconsciously and robustly enough to survive the denial that is sure to come. This is what I see when people seem to subconsciously avoid challenging their own society’s foundational beliefs. 

Effective action on addiction at a personal level can only be achieved by people who have, to some degree, overcome their own blindness and paralysis. For most of us, overcoming blindness and paralysis does not begin with academic study, but with reflection on the struggles with addiction that we observe in family members and friends or in ourselves. Recognizing that the highly publicised suffering of junkies and alcoholics is essentially the same as the addictive miseries that we observe in our personal worlds can begin this reflection. The next step may be simply overcoming the denial that shields an intimate’s or one’s own drug or alcohol addiction from conscious understanding. More likely, however, the next step requires the more complex recognition of addictive dynamics that are not connected to drugs and alcohol and thus are camouflaged in free-market society [4] p. 339)

For me it was about overcoming the denial, but doing so required a visceral emotional signal that was far too strong to ignore or explain away. It happened when the fear of continued drinking outweighed the fear of stopping. I knew that stopping would require concerted effort, lots of help, and a significant life change. Having heard the stories, and having witnessed my father’s and my brother’s versions of recovery, I was not looking forward to it. On the other hand, I hadn’t lost everything yet, but I was about to. One Ph.D. down the drain, but I’d still have the debt. By the way, my student loan debt is fucking ridiculous! I’ve accepted that I’ll probably have it until I die, but I haven’t let go of the shame. It was my loan debt that did it. I had projected a certain amount that I was comfortable with, but on that tax prep day in February, I saw that it was double that amount. I wasn’t graduated yet, and I was broke. Shit! I’ve been sweeping this under the rug for a while! Double shit! Drinking. Triple shit! I’m alcoholic. In that bitter kitchen moment, it finally happened. My fears battled it out. An immovable object met an unstoppable force, and something had to give. That something was me, on my knees, dripping in anxiety and tears, begging to an estranged god. 

Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you! [9]

That’s how the world feels to me now. Not that acute, but present. That same sort of panic is in the air. In conversation, it takes no time to reveal the anger and frustration lurking just below the surface. After my alcoholic denial was overcome…ok, after competing fears pounded it into dust…something unexpected happened. I’d become the fish who’d learned to see the water I was swimming in. That is to say, addiction was my society’s M.O. How sober could I possible be in this?!? I have to be sober, and swim in this water. Fuck me!

In all my years in recovery, I have learned through the collective experience of all my friends and colleagues that there is not one single American who isn’t touched by addiction. That is to say, if it ain’t you, then you know somebody. The awakening necessary for remediation comes when we all truly realize that each and every one of us is participating in a culture whose foundational beliefs help make all this addiction happen. Addiction isn’t the problem in and of itself; it is a symptom that has become a problem. Furthermore, the foundational beliefs that created that symptom are ill-equipped to remedy it. Therefore, the foundational beliefs must change. This is the deep truth of recovery. In order to recover from an addiction, at least some of the foundational beliefs the individual carries about himself and his relationship to the world have to change. But first, these beliefs have to be made visible, and we’ll get to this in Step 4.

Facing up to one’s own addiction and dislocation can be excruciating, but it does not need to provoke incapacitating despair. It can provoke action instead. Addictive problems in one’s personal world need not provoke despair because they are not manifestations of mental illness or malice, but of a struggle to survive. Nor are they abnormal. Many, perhaps most, of our compatriots in the new global civilisation live with addictive dynamics of some degree. Like us, they are neither diseased nor evil at heart. Like us, they find themselves unable to endure the lack of psychosocial integration without becoming, at times, overwhelmingly involved with habits that partially substitute for it. Like us, they sometimes act badly, wastefully, recklessly, but without evil intent. There is no reason for despair over dislocation either, because it does not grow from a lack of personal worth or human appeal, but from a fragmented society. Becoming aware of one’s own addictive dynamics and dislocation, and those of one’s intimates, can be an enormous personal relief. It brings the joy of discovering a common humanity with others who bear similar burdens [4] p. 340).

There are tricks to this. We do it one day at a time. We “fake it until we make it,” which really means that changing behavior is much easier than changing beliefs, and sustained behavioral change will result in belief change. You may not know what the new belief is, but you can learn to recognize and denounce the old one. We get to get help in every step along the way. We get to give help as soon as we are but one step in front of the next person. We learn that the rewards of our efforts are ample, as we find our eyes for them. 

Alexander explains in great detail how dislocation has manifested throughout history, and he illuminates many of the ways that free-market capitalism is causing dislocation today. Admittedly, free-market capitalism is not the only culprit; however, we can no longer afford to explain it away. It’s gotten too big and far too dangerous. Undoubtedly, you have already witnessed dislocation’s many manifestations in others and probably yourself as well.

A quick side note on one of our cultural norms. We downplay our fears, and we do it all the time as a matter of course, a social norm that presents a less-fearful-than-I-am visage. Listen, no matter what you’re afraid of, in the moment or long-term, real or fancied, fear is scary! My fear is an existential terror-former, ready and willing to change the landscape of my entire life. I think that we all need to own that and be open about it. Call that spade the spade that it is. We have all sorts of words we use to disguise fear, and that’s one way we downplay it. Fuck that! Imagine, if each and every one of us could have moments when we get to share and witness in others that sometimes, sometimes this life as a human being thing is super scary! 

Save the Canaries excerpt -- What we want and what we need

 WHAT WE NEED AND WHAT WE WANT

After many years of experience and lots of research, I’ve boiled it down to an idea somebody had a long time ago. Here is what we want and need. 

                We need a sense of autonomy and a sense of belonging. 

                We want reliable ways to get both every day.

In the past 15 or so years of my intentional spiritual journey and all the years of accidental spiritual journey before that, I’d begun to hone in on these two. In men’s work I learned that being heard (seen, recognized, accepted) was huge! So huge that I judged it to be a need every bit as fundamental as food and shelter. I was also learning that a sense of belonging was critical for a student to learn in a classroom [11,12,13]. I was feeling this as well—this need for belonging and the pain of its absence. At the same time, even though individualism had gone way too far in American culture, it had some fundamental value to it. Our pursuing that path seemed primally motivated. I was sensing a dual that appeared contradictory, but didn’t have to be. Then I read a book by Bruce Alexander[14], and in it he referenced Charles Darwin with lengthy quotes. After much re-reading on my part, I refer to Alexander’s interpretations.

Human beings must satisfy both their need for individual autonomy and their need for social belonging. There is no adequate substitute for either one. ([14] p. 251)

We need both. Great!

Another way to say this is that the urge for social belonging is just as essential to human well-being as the urge to individual competition, and the two instinctive, but conflicting, motives exist for the same reason—evolution. It follows that individuals must always experience a conflict between one set of motives that impels them towards individual competition and another that impels them towards social integration and cooperation. ([14] p. 224)

This quote brings in a subtle, but important difference. The terms changes from autonomy and belonging to individual competition and social cooperation. Certainly both are alive in the United States, but in my judgment at least, we have emphasized individual competition over cooperation. Do your own work, gotta look out for number one, your retirement is up to you, that stuff. The individual competition imperative is a story we leverage when businesses punish dissent and discourage labor unions. Unionization is somehow cast as a betrayal of our individuality and the ongoing mythos of the ‘self-made man’. On the other hand, cooperation contains within it some implicit goal or outcome that we are working towards. We compete as individuals and cooperate as groups. Fine. In this sense, they are contradictory imperatives. The problem is that both avenues are commonly construed as pathways to the thing. I’m gonna get mine before you get yours, and somehow if you get yours, I’m less likely to get mine. But if we cooperate as a group, we’ll get ours before your group gets yours. (Even as I type, these sentences seem silly.) Perhaps that’s because this zero-sum pursuit is stupid. Honestly, I don’t want to spare any more words on it. Suffice to say, individual competition and social cooperation isn’t where I think our focus should lie.

Instead, I want us to focus on a sense of autonomy and a sense of belonging. In fact, play with those word pairings for a bit. Competition:Cooperation::Autonomy: Belonging. How does each pair feel to you? What images and memories does each pair conjure up? Personally, I favor autonomy and belonging. They feel safer to me, and are way less corrupted. Next step, I want us all to realize that this two are not in conflict. In fact, in some hard to explain, deeply human way, they must go together.

Important to realize is that not everyone’s sense of autonomy and belonging are the same. My flavor and yours won’t be the same, and they may not stay the same throughout our lives. Knowing what my flavor is—how those needs get fulfilled for me—is part of my own journey of life long learning. If you were to come with me on this journey, we can learn from each other. We can learn more quickly, help each other remain open to unforeseen possibilities, and we can learn to make better mistakes. 

Save the Canaries excerpt -- Let's talk about competition

 WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT COMPETITION

Sport is a microcosm of society. It's also a magnifier at the same time. So when we say  sport reflects what goes on in society, we’d be right, and a lot of what goes on in society is not so wholesome. It's not very good. It's exclusionary. The tale that wags the dog is sport. We've even built a culture in America, where our sport programs are predicated on high performance activities that limit the opportunities for people to play. It's not open unless, oh, let's all participate in some activity to get healthy or to build relationships or to learn something about ourselves and to develop character. No, it's like how good are you? We wanna win and if you're really good, we're gonna eliminate everybody who's not and turn them from participants to spectators. And what matters is the size of the arena. How many fans can fit in? How do we market the sport? How do we promote it? –Lee Ellis [13]

Just with sports teams that take competition too seriously, we live in a society in which our worth, our value as a person, is based on how much we can contribute to the economy. And so,

        The social utility of a job is inversely proportional to its salary. 

                                                                            –Frank Dabba-Smith

Canaries, point of discussion: who gets screwed and how? …and why? Focus on the small things.

Education has become coupled with sport. Financially speaking, many universities and large high schools are inseparably bound to their athletic programs. While this has advantage, it is remains a problematic relationship. Today, both sport and education are both, somehow, all about winning.

How do [schools] get fundraising and use sport as the vehicle to do that? In the process of doing this, we've set up a structure of basically these cards that are all leaning up against each other on a very fragile foundation. And Covid pulled a couple of those cards out, and now you've got, at least in our country [U.S.A.], you've got educational institutions that are on the precipice of going out of business because their sports programs might not be able to operate this fall. Holy come ole, we've completely messed things up! –Ellis

While this education/sport can of worms is great fodder for our society’s 4th step, I don’t want to get into it here. Just consider that when winning is the thing, we put our own children at risk.

Now, having said all that, sport is probably the most wonderful activity that we could be engaged in if you think about all the ways that it influences us and can influence us in positive, in a positive manner. If coaches decided, for instance, that they weren't autocrats, but they actually servant leaders, that they were doing this because they wanted to—that they wanted to give the athletes the opportunity to grow and develop in the ways that they wanted, how great would that be? But of course, you've got the scoreboard hanging over everything. -Ellis

If sport is indeed a microcosm for society, what might this shift in perspective do for all of us? But then, that scoreboard. All those metrics we strive for, from grades and test scores, to the right name on top of the diploma, from the resumé game (experience required) to the quarterly reports, from credit score to GDP. All those scoreboards have something in common. We think they are telling us when we are winning. I tell you, they are not. They are only indicators that vaguely point to what we actually care about. When we focus too much on the indicators, the metrics, what we care about gets lost in the mud, or stands dejected on the sidelines. We have been following the wrong indicators for too long. We have to learn to see that…in the small things, where it counts.

Some of the things that I'll say will make it sound as if I'm not interested in winning. Are you kidding? I wanna win everything. I'm just not so concerned about the one thing that everyone talks about, which is the scoreboard. I figure the scoreboard will take care of itself if the kids are having fun, if the kids are learning, if the kids are growing and developing their skills in the sport and their skills and relationship with each other, they learn communication and leadership. You know what? The scoreboard takes care of itself. -Ellis

I remember you saying to me one time, you’d gotten into recovery, and you’re doing steps, and AA stuff, and you said to me, “You mean to tell me that if I focus my energies on helping these other people getting sober and helping addicts get into recovery, that my business is gonna get taken care of? Seriously?!?” And then you found that’s exactly what happened. “Yes, great clients started calling me out of the blue. Old clients were making new referrals, and lots of little things were falling into place. I don’t recall making any of that happen, but it did.” –Conversation between myself and Alan G. [13]

When studying and working in education, I saw this happen many times. When teachers did not ‘teach to the test,’ but instead taught as they knew was right—for understanding and for personal and communal development—students usually did better on those tests. Sadly though, in many cases, the fear took over, and the school retreated to the fearful ways of teaching to the test. This speaks to the trust that is called for in Steps 2 & 3. Active trust and ‘doing the next right thing’ really does let the scoreboard take care of itself. Step 4 is when we begin to learn how our fear turns into control. When we’ll do anything do ‘win,’ whatever that may mean at the time. That pathway is slightly different for each of us, and it takes experience, guidance, and insight to see it. The alcoholic knows just how badly seizing control out of fear can go. I wonder, how much of the planet need be destroyed, and how many people have to die for us to see it too?

Canaries, how have you witnessed the ‘scoreboard taking care of itself’?

The war metaphor of sport

Virtue is the attitude that you take when you go into the contest. So is it a war or is it a partnership. -Ellis